Tag: Joke

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

“Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?”

“No.”

“So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?”

“There was no reason because the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, or do you suppose he could be alive but brainless.”

A lady caught her boyfriend cheating on her with a close friend. After expressing her interest to end the relationship, the boyfriend pleaded with her to forgive.

He reminded her of his promises to be the sunshine in her life and how he meant every word.

She quickly asked him again, “Did you say you want to be the Sunshine in my life?”

In enthusiasm, the boyfriend replied, “Yes, yes, yes. And I mean it.”

So she simply said, “Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.”

A 3 years old boy sits near an 8-month pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun.

I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ”I’m hungry!”

So the mother cat said, ”What would you like?” The kitten replied, ”I don’t know!”

Then the mother cat looked at the robins and said, ”How about some basking robins?”

You can’t walk into a gym nowadays — ‘How much is it?’ and pay. They have all these plans.

You know, we have many, many plans. Our most popular plan is where you give us $80,000 up front and then give us your bank card, and we’ll automatically take $1,000 a month out of that.

You don’t have to worry about it; we’ll take it right out for you.’

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.”

“That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied.

“You would feel better if you had something in it.”

That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said.

“You’d feel better if you had something in it.”