Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.” So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
“Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?”
“So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?”
“There was no reason because the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, or do you suppose he could be alive but brainless.”
He reminded her of his promises to be the sunshine in her life and how he meant every word.
She quickly asked him again, “Did you say you want to be the Sunshine in my life?”
In enthusiasm, the boyfriend replied, “Yes, yes, yes. And I mean it.”
So she simply said, “Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.”
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun.
I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ”I’m hungry!”
So the mother cat said, ”What would you like?” The kitten replied, ”I don’t know!”
Then the mother cat looked at the robins and said, ”How about some basking robins?”
You know, we have many, many plans. Our most popular plan is where you give us $80,000 up front and then give us your bank card, and we’ll automatically take $1,000 a month out of that.
You don’t have to worry about it; we’ll take it right out for you.’
“That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied.
“You would feel better if you had something in it.”
That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said.
“You’d feel better if you had something in it.”